Talking about death with young children: lessons from Sesame Street
Don’t you remember we told you? Mr Hooper died, he’s dead.
Oh, yes , I remember. I’ll give it to him when he comes back.
Big Bird, Mr Hooper’s not coming back.
Why not?
Big Bird when people die they don’t come back…
Ever?
No, never.
Why not?
Well, Big Bird they’re dead, they can’t come back.
***
When I was a child, I loved watching Sesame Street. I still find it delightful and love watching the old clips of Ernie in his bathtub, those weird telephone-discovering Martians that say yip, yip, yip…
But none come close to Big Bird. I watched in the days that Mr Snuffleupagus was still his imaginary friend and I loved the way that Snuffie could disappear from those pesky adults despite his size.
In 1982 Mr Hooper, who ran ‘Hooper’s Store’ died in real life and the producers of Sesame Street decided to acknowledge his death this very touching scene that you can watch here. I don’t recall ever seeing this episode as a child, but I remember Mr Hooper and remember Big Bird having trouble saying his name.
This scene, apparently captured in one take, provides a lesson in how to talk to our children about death. Here are the 5 things it teaches me.
1. Say the words “dead” and “died”
They may not be easy words to use but all children need to hear these words first.
Using phrases like “passed away”, “gone”, “sleeping” or even “gone to God” and “an Angel in the sky” are confusing for children who need a concrete explanation.
Start with the plain facts of physical death (dead means you can’t come back, dead means your body doesn’t work anymore) and then add your spiritual beliefs. Like most young children, Big Bird tries hard to grasp that dead means never coming back. Stick to the physical aspects of death first.
In this clip, offering Big Bird the reassurance that ‘no one will forget Mr Hooper’ and reminding BB of the importance of memories (ie our ongoing relationship with the dead) is given preference over talking about spiritual or religious beliefs which can come later.
2. Go at the child’s pace
Young children need time to absorb loss.
Big Bird says a number times that he doesn’t understand, even after the finality of death is explained to him. I find it very touching how the adults just wait.
They are not trying to fill-up all the silence. They wait for the next question to emerge and then they respond to that.
They also calmly repeat the same information about death and resist the urge to make it up as they go.
3. Share and show genuine feelings
So easy to say, but so hard to do!
The moment when Maria tearfully says “That’s Hooper, Big Bird, Hooper” is a total tear jerker!
In this clip, the adults are not trying to be brave or hide their feelings. This seems to help Big Bird because like most children, it's only once the adults acknowledge and share their feelings, that Big Bird says "it makes me sad" and he begins to share his.
4. It takes a community
All the adults in Big Bird’s life are working together to help him feel secure.
They seem to be looking out for each other and at the same time supporting Big Bird. In a perfect world this is what we all need when someone dies. It isn’t always possible but if you can find a small group of supporters in your family, school and community it can have a tremendous effect in helping children feel supported and secure.
5. Just because…
There is something perfectly wonderful about the exchange between Big Bird and Gordon at the end this scene.
Big Bird protesting Mr Hooper’s death says, “… but why does it have to be this way, give me one good reason!”.
To which Gordon responds: “It has to be this way, because… Just because”.
Such an honest thing to say in that moment. There is a part of me that wants Gordon to say more and try and explain ‘it’ to Big Bird. I’m glad he doesn’t because in that moment Big Bird accepts it and they all move on.
Talking about death with children needs time and it doesn’t need to be complicated.
For more resources on talking about death to children, have a look at this list of children's books on death and bereavement (courtesy of The Guardian and dyingtoknowday.org ):
1.Goodnight Mister Tom by Michelle MagorianThis was a book I read and reread as a child (as well as Back Home, my favourite of Michelle Magorian’s books). I read it again recently as I heard the author on the radio talking about the book, and I was fascinated to hear that she’d considered not including the death of one of the main characters. I remember being horrified, almost angry, when I first read the book – the death (not saying whose) seems so incredibly unfair after all that Will, the main character, has suffered. But as she said, the war was real, and it would have been cowardly not to show how horrific the losses were. My oldest son (Tom, and another of my sons is called William…) read Goodnight Mr Tom at school last year, and was equally shocked – he said it was the first book he’d read where a main character died, and he almost didn’t believe that it could be right, I remember the same feelings so clearly. Will’s grieving is described so realistically, as is the way he carries on, trying to think like his friend, so that he’s not forgotten.
2. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
I borrowed this from my school library, probably shortly after I read Goodnight Mr Tom – again Leslie’s death (this one is impossible to talk about without spoilers, sorry!) is so shocking. But the amazing world she created carries on for Jesse and May Belle. This is one book where the film is almost as good!
3. Goodbye Mog by Judith Kerr
I bought this for my boys as they’d loved all the other Mog books, and I knew that they would find it difficult when our own elderly cat died. Although it’s about a cat dying, Mog’s tiredness and readiness to leave are beautifully expressed and would help a child struggling with any loss. Mog’s continued love for her family, and the way she wants them to be happy after she’s gone, are heartbreaking.
4. No Matter What by Debi Gliori
I read this picture book long before I had children, and thought it was so beautiful that I made my husband read it – in Waterstones, where it made him cry… No Matter What is about love, going on forever, even after we’re gone. As an adult, particularly if you have young children, do not read it in public if you don’t want to be seen crying!
5. The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
When the Velveteen Rabbit’s owner has scarlet fever, all his toys have to be destroyed for fear of infection. But the rabbit has been so well loved that he’s made Real. Such a beautiful book, again not directly about death, but about being taken away from someone you love, and the way things change and carry on.
6. Charlotte’s Web by EB White
Oh dear. So horribly sad, and Charlotte’s death is so uncompromising, the way she’s left behind in all the litter of the fair. But she carries on in her children (who have never met her) and the stories that Wilbur tells of her.
7. Duck, Death and the Tulip by Wolf Erlbruch
My youngest son and I came across this in the library a few years ago, and he was fascinated by the ghoulish-looking Death, who is drawn with a skull for a head. This book is so interesting, mostly because it doesn’t give any answers. This is actually very helpful – lots of room for discussion. The story implies that Death is part of life, a close companion always. The writing (or rather, the translation, this book is translated from German) is beautiful. I particularly love that after Duck has died, Death strokes her crumpled feathers back into place.
8. A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness
One for older children – not because it’s at all difficult to read, it’s a complete page turner, but it’s deeply emotional. Conor is desperately trying to cope with his mother’s approaching death. An absolutely gut-wrenching description of the fury and guilt surrounding caring for a parent. Conor’s anger makes you want to wade in and save him, somehow. I was practically grinding my teeth at the unfairness of it all. No easy answers in this one either, but that’s the beauty of the book.
9. Michael Rosen’s Sad Book by Michael Rosen
Like A Monster Calls, a wonderful book that says you’re allowed to be sad, and everyone is sad sometimes (and angry and disbelieving and horrible to other people…) I usually think of Quentin Blake’s illustrations as mad and bright and joyful, here they’re brilliantly scratchy and dark.
10. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett
Not an obvious one, and the one that doesn’t immediately fit into my argument… But I’m working on a book inspired by The Secret Garden at the moment, and I’ve been reading it and thinking about it a lot. Death pervades this book – Mary’s parents have died, so she’s sent back from India to Misselthwaite. Colin’s mother has also died, after an accident in her beloved garden, leaving his father grief-stricken, and his son abandoned and terrified that he will die too. It’s not a book to give a child who’s grieving, more an example of how crippling (literally, in Colin’s case) grief can be. But then the garden itself comes back to life, bringing memories of Colin’s mother, who created it, and healing both the children. Frances Hodgson Burnett had some interesting theories about what would probably now be called positive thinking, but her descriptions of spring reawakening the garden are beautiful.
Younger kids might like
The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr
A poignant and reassuring story about loss. Through the lens of a pet fish who has lost his companion, Todd Parr tells a moving and wholly accessible story about saying goodbye. Touching upon the host of emotions children experience, Todd reminds readers that it's okay not to know all the answers and that someone will always be there to support them. An invaluable resource for life's toughest moments.
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
Offering a very simple approach to overcoming loneliness, separation, or loss with an imaginative twist that children easily understand and embrace, this book delivers a particularly compelling message in today's uncertain times. This heartwarming picture book for all ages explores questions about the intangible yet unbreakable connections between us and opens up deeper conversations about love.
Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes Inbetween by Robert Ingpen
Have you ever wondered why a butterfly lives for only a few weeks? Or why a tree lives for hundreds of year? You may have been sad when someone in your family, or a favourite pet became sick and died. There is a beginning and an ending to everything that is alive. In between is a lifetime. Dying is a much a part of living as being born.