Four Things to Avoid when Arguing With Your Partner

Arguments are going to happen. You can't spend most of your time with someone and expect to get along 100% of the time. There are; however, things you can do to reduce arguments and make conflict safer for you and your partner. Read ahead to see the four things that should be avoided when communicating with your partner.

Criticism: In a relationship, it's OK to have grievances, and you should take action to resolve them. A constructive criticism of someone's actions is warranted. “I'm disappointed that you didn’t help with the party clean-up”. A negative assessment of someone's character is harmful. "You're so lazy, you never help out with cleaning." Criticism almost always results in defensiveness.

Contempt: Contempt involves looking down on your partner. One of the most alienating and disconnecting things that can be done. Contempt sounds like sarcasm, disdain, and a sense of superiority.

Defensiveness: Making a partner's criticism about your action their fault rather than your own is being defensive. Even if the intention is to shield yourself from responsibility, doing so just undermines your partner's worries and makes them feel unheard, which eventually worsens the argument. Being defensive prevents the disagreement from developing. Again, we may reduce defensiveness by talking about behaviours rather than character.

Stonewalling: It is simple for one partner to completely disengage from a quarrel when the argument has become painful and ineffective. Why would anyone want to fight like that? Unfortunately, stonewalling prevents any resolution because issues don't go away on their own.

In summary, deliver your grievances with an I statement that addresses a specific behaviour. “I felt unimportant when you were 30 minutes late to pick me up”. Instead of “You always forget everything, I can’t believe you forgot to pick me up again”.
Try to ask yourself what you want out of the conversation? Is there something that needs to change? Are you setting a boundary or are you tired and stressed from work getting some short term satisfaction from arguing?

Try to hear what it is that your partner wants or ask them to put it in a way that addresses a behaviour if they are being overly critical.
If you need to walk away from an argument to calm down, communicate this to your partner and take 5 minutes to regulate, come back and address what needs to be addressed.
No one is perfect. Arguments in relationships are inevitable but there are ways to argue more effectively and have needs met without emotions getting as high as they often do.