How Do I Discipline My Kids?
This is a pretty contentious topic, with varied and often conflicting opinions, even down to the meaning of the word ‘discipline’ (in brief - discipline is not the same as punishment). Today’s blog isn’t about strategies for disciplining kids or managing behaviour, rather it is about the importance, as a parent, of having a ‘Discipline Philosophy’. This is a concept I came across myself, when struggling with my own child’s behaviour. While I found it really helpful, it was also quite confronting to look at my own behaviour as a parent.
Responding versus reacting
A discipline philosophy is about being intentional in the way we respond to our kids when they misbehave. Rather than reacting emotionally or dramatically, or with a one-size-fits-all approach that doesn’t consider the situation or the needs of our child, we respond from a place that is consistent with our parenting beliefs and that also shows respect for our children.
How intentional are you?
Take a moment to think about your normal response to your kids’ behaviour. Do you automatically spank, give a time-out, or yell? Do you have some other immediate go-to for when your kids act out? Many of us simply do what our parents did – or we strive to do exactly the opposite. The real question is, how much of your disciplinary strategy comes from an intentional and consistent approach, as opposed to simply reacting or relying on old habits?
Here are some questions to ask yourself as you think about your overall discipline philosophy:
Do I have a discipline philosophy? How purposeful and consistent am I when I don’t like how my kids are behaving?
Is what I’m doing working? Does my approach allow me to teach my kids the lessons I want to teach, in terms of both immediate behaviour and how they grow and develop as human beings? And am I finding that I need to address behaviours less and less, or am I having to discipline about the same behaviours over and over?
Do I feel good about what I’m doing? Does my discipline approach help me enjoy my relationship with my children more? Do I usually reflect on discipline moments and feel pleased with how I handled myself? Do I frequently wonder if there’s a better way?
Do my kids feel good about it? Discipline is rarely going to be popular, but do my children understand my approach and feel my love? Am I communicating and modelling respect in a way that allows them to still feel good about themselves?
Do I feel good about the messages I’m communicating to my children? Are there times I teach lessons I don’t want them to internalise – for example, that obeying what I say is more important than learning to make good decisions about doing the right thing? Or that power and control are the best ways to get people to do what we want? Or that I only want to be around them if they’re pleasant?
How much does my approach resemble that of my own parents? How did my parents discipline me? Can I remember a specific experience of discipline and how it made me feel? Am I just repeating old patterns? Rebelling against them?
Does my approach ever lead to my kids apologising in a sincere manner? Even thought this might not happen on a regular basis, does my approach at least leave the door open for it?
Does it allow for me to take responsibility and apologise for my own actions? How open am I with my kids about the fact that I make mistakes? Am I willing to model for them what It means to own up to one’s errors?
How do you feel right now, having asked yourself these questions? Many parents experience regret, guilt, shame, or even hopelessness when they acknowledge what has not been working and worry that they may not have been doing the best they can. But the truth is, you have done the best you can. If you could have done better, you would have.
The more compassion you can have for yourself, the more compassion you can have for you child. Even the best parents realise that there will always be times they can be more intentional, effective, and respectful regarding how they discipline their children. When we know better, we do better.
If these questions have got you thinking and wanting to know more, why not check out the book ‘No-Drama Discipline’ by Daniel J Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. It’s the source for this blog, and a great resource. The authors are also behind one of the Collective’s favourite resources - ‘The Whole-Brain Child’. If you or your child are a client, chances are we’ve recommended it to you at some point!
Happy parenting!
Karen