‘He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice’ – the truth about Santa Claus

Can you remember when you found out that Santa Claus wasn’t real? I can recall the moment when I realised that something didn’t quite fit - Santa and my Mum were using the same sticky tape to wrap our presents, what were the odds?!

Add to that an older sibling who took her role of know-all big sister rather seriously, and just like that, the magic of Santa was gone. Well, almost.   I didn’t dare tell my mother, who went to great lengths to keep the ruse going, that I knew. Not for years. What I don’t remember is whether I was upset or not to learn that Santa wasn’t real. I think perhaps it just made sense (how could Santa be at every shopping centre in the lead up to Christmas – didn’t he have important work to do, making a list and checking it twice and all that? Not to mention the logistics of Santa’s tummy versus the size of our chimney).

Now that I am not just a parent myself, but parent of a child absolutely in love with everything Christmas, I understand my own mother’s need to not shatter that belief. To take away the pure and innocent joy that goes with counting down the days till Santa comes, putting out the plate of cookies and carrots for Santa and the reindeer, and waking up on Christmas day (so early it barely even counts as morning) bursting with excitement to see whether Santa found our house during the night. It’s magical and as a parent that period of time; when your children are so open and unjaded that they believe wholeheartedly and obtain such complete happiness and delight, is so fleeting that you want to hang on to it with both hands and never let go, whether it’s real or not.

So I’m struggling with the advice from various (well-respected and eminently qualified) experts that keeping up the myth that is Santa Claus is harmful to our kids. There are a couple of reasons put forward as to why we shouldn’t pretend that Santa is real.

The first is that lying to our kids is inherently harmful – if we’ve lied to them about Santa (often a long, detailed, protracted lie), then what else have we lied to them about? Evidence confirms that when parents lie to children it has negative effects on the parent-child relationship and on the child’s capacity to trust, and it also teaches children to lie themselves. Does it matter whether the lie is about something big, like parents separating, or something small, like Santa? It’s not as though you are the only one lying about it, right? Santa is everywhere at the moment - on our TV screens, in our shopping centres, in the Christmas carol my daughter sang at her school concert. Perhaps the question should be ‘Do we need to lie to our kids about Santa?’.

Kids have vivid imaginations, they play make-believe all the time, so we know they can enjoy something without having to believe that it’s true. In fact, that rich fantasy life of your child (which may sometimes leave you questioning what on earth goes on in your child’s head), may actually help your child to distinguish between fact and fiction.

Which brings us to the second reason why maintaining the myth of Santa Claus can be harmful – when it’s used as a way of managing our child’s behaviour. Let’s be realistic here, who hasn’t used the ‘naughty list’ as a way to get our kids to stop arguing with each other, to get dressed or to get to bed on time? I know I certainly have. So what’s the problem? It’s using blackmail or coercion to manipulate our kids into ‘being good’. Not being who they are, with unconditional love that isn’t contingent on behaviour, and which reinforces that they have value no matter what. But focusing instead on an external reward or reinforcement of their value and worth. And what’s even worse - a made-up one. What happens when you take that extrinsic reinforcement away – when Christmas is over, presents have been given out (or not), and Santa is no longer watching? Who manages our children’s behaviour then (can the Elf on the Shelf come out after Christmas?)

So what do we tell our kids about Santa? One approach, which sits well with me, is to follow their lead. Kids are clever, they will notice that all the Santa Claus’ in all the shopping centres look slightly different, and how can they be in different places at once, and isn’t Santa supposed to be in the North Pole anyway? When they start to ask questions, don’t lie to them. Acknowledge their critical thinking skills, and explain the story. It can be just as much fun for kids to pretend that Santa is real, as it is to believe that he is. You could even take the opportunity to teach your children about the spirit of Christmas – whatever that may mean to you and your family. One beautiful idea taken from Facebook (where all good ideas come from these days), is to have your child – now that they know how it all works - take on the role of Santa Claus by gifting something to someone less fortunate. Perhaps it’s using their pocket money to buy a gift for a charity wishing tree, or donating unused toys (this has the added advantage of making room for the new ones they’ll undoubtedly get!). Important in this process is that they don’t get anything in return – other than the joy and gratification of giving.

But do remember that not every child will be ready to give up on Santa Claus quite yet, and nor will their parents, so make sure that your kids know that not everyone knows the truth about Santa, and that it’s not their job to tell them.

For me, Santa is still going to make an appearance at our house this Christmas. Whether that is as a make-believe character from a wonderful folklore story or as the real deal, well, that will depend on my daughter. I won’t be pushing her to question the logistics of the big man in the red suit flying through the sky with his team of reindeers and a sack supposedly big enough to hold presents for every kid in the world, but I also won’t be lying to her (anymore) when she asks the obvious questions. Hopefully I will also be teaching her what Christmas means to us – a time for family, for reflecting on what we have (not just what we get), and for showing love to those around us.

Merry Christmas – only 18 days to go!

Karen