Post-Partum Care - How to look after yourself as a Mum (not just the kids)
When I was invited to write a guest blog for Macquarie Health Collective’s focus on women’s health, my mind began ticking over. My thoughts went to the question many (MANY) women have posed to me… “Why wasn’t this discussed in antenatal classes?” I have been working with women in the perinatal period for 19 years and have drawn on their experience and wisdom, as well as my own as a mother of two. Below is a list of 5 things (it could have been 20) it would have been great to know in pregnancy to prepare for being a parent.
1. Self-care is not a fluffy buzz word
I have worked with many women with postnatal depression and anxiety. While there are a multitude of factors that contribute to the development of depression and / or anxiety, for at least a subset of these women, the root cause is maternal exhaustion. I know how hard it is to get a break when you have a baby, however, in my clinical work I have commonly encountered that a barrier to getting this very necessary break is our own difficulty in accepting offers of help and relinquishing care of the baby, perhaps even to our own partner.
You see, you can pour from a broken cup, but you can’t pour from an empty one. We all need to fill our cup in some way. It might be a nap, a long walk, or an uninterrupted cup of tea and a book. This may sound trivial, but it’s not. We make a lot of sacrifices as a parent – however if there is nothing left of or for you, well, we just start to fade away. If this is the case, you may eventually find yourself sitting in the shower, crying, wondering how you got to this point. The good news… you CAN put a plan in place by directly communicating an expectation of support. I know this may sound terrifying - to ask for what you need. If you are expecting a baby, take a deep breath and start having the conversation now with your partner, your mother, your in-laws, your friends, your neighbour, or a babysitter. Figure out who can realistically help you to get some time for yourself and lock it in. It must be regular and consistent enough to make a difference. Once month is not enough!
2. Sleep is not a KPI
Think of sleep as existing on a dial. As adults, we all vary on our sleep setting dial. Some people need lots of sleep and others function quite well on less. Some drift off easily, and others find it harder to unwind and fall off to sleep. With babies there seems to be this belief that there is a very narrow range on the dial within which they should exist, and some parents may feel pressured to get them there… pronto! A baby who sleeps through is a “good” baby and a baby who wakes frequently or who needs more help to settle is labelled as a “difficult” baby. So how is this supposed to make us feel as the parent of a the “good” baby? A success? A “good” mother? And so, what then of the parent of the baby that needs more help? I have been this mother, and I have spoken to countless parents on this side of the fence. Not only are we exhausted beyond belief, but we feel we are failing in our own minds and in the eyes of family and perhaps even health professionals. Having worked in this field for many years and seen the dark places sleep deprivation can take a family, I want you to know - going into this - you have less control over your baby’s sleep than you imagine, and it will change across time, and be different with each child you may have. How and when your baby sleeps are not a measure of your performance as a parent. Write this on a post-it note and stick it on the fridge!
3. Perfection is the enemy
I should declare up front, I am a card-carrying member of the Perfectionist’s Club. It has served me well as a student, employee and even daughter and friend at times. For me, my perfectionism looks like having an immaculate house, always looking “put together” and essentially trying to be good at, oh, just about everything. Perfectionism, however, HAS NOT served me as a mother. In fact, it is like doing this gig with an arm tied behind my back. It has robbed me of just being with my babies, it has added additional and unnecessary work and it puts a wall up between you and others. I have done, and continue to do, my own “work” on this area. It’s hard to give up these defensive patterns, which are essentially a (maladaptive) way to try to manage anxiety.
What has helped me though, is first, realising that this is actually a societal problem that women internalise. Perfectionism is alarmingly common among this generation of mothers who feel pressure to “do it all” – parent, work, exercise, make home-made purée, recycle and basically hold in mind every single physical and emotional need of all members of your immediate family.
Second, as a therapist looking from an outsider’s perspective it is so obvious when working with my clients that these standards are unrealistic, unrelenting, and unachievable. It’s so much easier to see without our own blinkers on. If you think you may be a perfectionist, take the time during pregnancy (whether it’s your first or fifth) to do some work now. This one requires some self-reflection and perhaps even some outside help. There are also some great books on this issue if you want to take a deeper diver. Truly, it may save you quite a bit of pain and angst!
4. Look for the kind eyes
At some point as a parent, you will be on the receiving end of what feels like judgement. It might be in a park while trying to feed your baby (the method doesn’t seem to matter – you might be breast or bottle feeding – apparently either way someone will have an opinion on it). It may be on your first plane trip with Bub as you take them to visit your family and your baby cries…because that’s what babies do. It might be in your new parent’s group when you whip out the dummy. No words might even be spoken…but you can feel it…the unspoken criticism. So, here’s my tip - keep looking around. Look past those short-sighted judgey eyes and seek out the kind ones. The ones that say, “we’ve been there too”, “I feel your pain”, “keep going, you’re doing an amazing job”. They will be there too - perhaps from another parent or grandparent. Even more important, be those kind eyes for others. When I see a Mum or Dad bravely walking through the supermarket with their screaming toddler who really wants the lollies, so conveniently on display and accessible to a two-year-old, I give her a discreet smile and thumbs up. We need to be each others’ allies.
5. Invest in a stick vacuum
There are many useful appliances in the postpartum period. Bottle warmer – awesome! Steamer / blenders that self clean – truly amazing! For me, the appliance I have used EVERY.SINGLE.DAY of being a parent, even well beyond the baby to toddler years…is a decent stick vacuum. A crawling baby will find every spec of dirt, every ball of dog hair and every old, shriveled raspberry that has rolled under the fridge…and pop it straight into their mouth. A 9 month old’s favourite game…what happens if I drop this pea from my highchair….178 times? Home from the park only to find that everyone’s shoes are filled with sand? Thank goodness for that stick vacuum. It will get a daily work out and the kids will even like using it when they get older – so they can clean up their own bloody messes. You’re welcome!
If you would like to talk to someone about transitioning to parenthood, or you are wondering how you will manage with # 2, 3, 4 or 5, please consider contacting Macquarie Health Collective. We are here to support you through this journey.
Dr Rhiannon Mulcahy
MHC Clinical Psychologist