The load we all carry
It's been a red hot minute since our last blog. We are realising that like many of you, we have become a little bit burnt out, we have suffered from fatigue and are definitely experiencing the heavy mental load of work, being parents, partners, friends and family members, trying to keep up relationships and in contact with those we care about, all while making plans to slow our lives down, take time out, be more productive, and take the opportunities that are presented to us. We have felt overwhelmed with decisions... Is decision fatigue a thing?
Recently we heard a conversation between parents in our waiting room, discussing whether it was the end of the year yet? They then continued to discuss that while the end of the year is a break from some things, it brings its own list of to do’s and potentially isn’t the downtime we fantasize about.
We are kind of relieved that we are not the only ones feeling this way.
We thought about looking back on our other blog posts about self care and taking time for yourself and realised that we are all well past that! So instead we thought we would bring you these suggestions:
Take a break. While many people know they perform the mental load, they are likely unaware to what extent the mental load affects their lives. So, take a break. Take a day. Take a week. Take a month. This will allow you to feel your mental load and for others to see the gaps. It may also help everyone to acknowledge which portion of the mental load is essential and which is superfluous. The ultimate goal of the break is to identify, reduce and redistribute the mental load.
Reduce your expectations. To have a house like those in the magazines requires two things:
(1) a huge amount of labour; and (2) to never be at home to mess it up.
Yes, we all have a friend who seems to have cleaning and domesticity embroiled into his/her DNA, but most of us are hedonistic slobs who leave water rings on the tables and crumbs on the floor. So, let's start accepting that and reduce our expectations. We won't have perfect houses or children who will be fluent in several foreign languages, play tennis and grow up to be neurosurgeons. Life is just too short to be spending this much time indoors.
Delegate. Once you stop the charade of perfection, it is time to delegate. This means putting your partner in charge of the school fete decorations and your child in charge of packing their lunch. This also means allocating the responsibility for general household tasks to certain family members. Delegating responsibility means absolving yourself of all responsibility (including thinking and planning!) but also of any judgment for the choices other family members make (e.g. washing whites with reds). Unless death is impending from poor domestic decisions, step back, support and allow others to learn from their mistakes.
Stop judging. This includes your friends, your family and yourself. Have a friend who always picks her child up three minutes after childcare closes? Stop judging. Have a friend who never irons her clothes? Stop judging. Have a husband who thinks cheesy toasties are appropriate for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Stop judging. Rather, start accepting and shifting the norms about domesticity.
We hope this helps you be a little kinder to yourself, lower your expectations and be more realistic with the weight you carry and as always we will be attempting to take our own advice :)
We got these suggestions from "Understanding the mental load, what it is and how to get it under control" by Leah Ruppanner.